Just Me

something

2008-08-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

It's all or nothing with me.....perfect house or i'm a complete disaster....

So i've decided that it's not going to be all or nothing anymore, just something. My new aim is to do something and not be stressed about it, i am so sick of my moods being controlled by the state of the house. The house is not going to change in a hurry but maybe my attitude can become a bit easier and a bit less rigid. Then maybe I can start enjoying my days a bit more instead of being pushed and harried and buggered all the time!!

making my peace

2008-06-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 3.40 this morning...you know, as you do...and thought about what my husband and I had been talking about before i went to bed. He asked me if i had an alright day and i said that i had, but that i always get to the end of my tether by the end of the day, i get absolutely exhausted. I was thinking about that this morning...and i realised that i need to make peace with my life, i need to stop fighting and pushing, i need to accept what is.

But it is so different to what i expect and what i want...well, is it? Maybe not, actually. Reality is actually a bit of a mystery to me, i seem to live in the world of shoulds and expectation much more often. I need to start exploring my reality more, and even being grateful for it!

But even more thgan that, my life just IS. There is very little i can do to change anything, no, not pessimistic, just realitic, so i will be much happier and more at peace if i can learn to accept and make the best of what i have, which is wonderful :-)

oasis

2008-06-23T17:55:00.001-07:00

No - not the band :-)

I am working pretty diligently on balance...and am feeling more at peace with me and the house and my committments...not always and not 100percent but better, i'm making progress.

The house still does bother me somewhat, because of what people would think if they saw it, and because it is not a peaceful place to be, it is not a calm relaxed place, it is crazy and cluttered and distracting. BUT - i realised that i always have an oasis within. I am going to endeavour to be my oasis and that can never be taken away.

my soul plan

2008-06-01T01:32:00.000-07:00

Am a bit excited!!

I journalled the other day on good old-fashioned paper about plans...I know that when i stick to my weight loss plan then i lose weight. I've been at it long enough to see that it works if i persist with it as best i can, never give up, and keep coming back without guilt or pressure. My best is good enough, I've lost 10 kilos, albeit over 17 months, but i've been successful because it hasn't been torturous, and i've set in place some habits which will be lifelong, such as regular exercise, weighing, healthy snacking etc, i know what works for me.

So i realised that i could put what i've learned about weight loss plans into practice re the housework, one of the other big issues in my life. What if i made a plan, stuck to it every day as best i could, without guilt or pressure...Well i have, and already after a few days i feel a lot better. I don't know what it is about this plan that has clicked, heaven knows i've made a zillion plans in the past and never stuck to them....oops i've just inadvertantly stumbled across it: i never stuck to them!! Lol - nothing like a lightbulb moment on the go!! I know that pretty much any sensible plan for anything will work...just do it!!

And the other important point which deserves its own paragraph...once you've made the plan, shutup and get on with it! ie, stop worrying about it, whether it's the right one, whether it will work, how will i get all this stuff done etc etc....if you stick to the plan every day as best you can then the work will get itself done and results wll magically appear!! Yay!! Slightly tongue in cheek there but you get my drift i hope :-)

So now i'm going to create a SOUL PLAN...a plan or a list of things to remember and keep at the front of my mind to nurture my soul. I feel that i really need some nurturing at the moment, and i need it from me.

- if you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got! ie something has to change, and i know it can happen with practice and committment
- today is a gift not a burden
- go with the flow, don't over plan, life doesn't work like that, and it stifles my freedom to choose and the gift of living in the moment. Also - don't think! you'll sink! just go.....with the flow.....
- balance...in all things
- be yourself, stop worrying about fitting in with others, stop worrying about missing out, live according to your own values and needs and committments, you are free to choose!!
- it's ok to open up to people rather than shy away...most will care, your real friends will
- work smarter not harder
- no whips or cattle prods!!
- do i really have too much to do or is it just my attitude?
- there is no magic formula for anything
- it's not your fault
- no black and white or all or nothing thinking
- there is no right or wrong decision, just do it!
- don't focus on fatigue!
-no doubts, no guilt, learn to trust yourself and go with what feels natural and right for YOU
- practise self-care all the time, every day...you deserve it, you're worth it, you need it....get over your perfectionism and ridiculously high expectations!!

What do I really really really want?

2008-05-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

Have a look at this: http://thehealthylivinglounge.com/2008/03/25/what-do-you-really-really-really-want/

You have to have 3 reallys apparently! It was a very interesting post...makes ya think!

So what do I really really really want? Not what should I want....what does my gut say?

- acceptance....my acceptance of me
- a cleaner house
- peace internally
- another baby
- more balance in my life, less rushing...less STUFF to do
- to be able to live on what money we have and stop racking up credit
- to stop living according to others and shoulds....to not be scared of letting go of other people

So maybe i should focus...could focus...on these things, and put my energy into the life i really really really want :-)

Being me

2008-05-18T00:56:00.000-07:00

Quick thought....if my children see me being me....then they will hopefully be more confident to be themselves. Wow!

My fault?

2008-05-06T17:32:00.001-07:00

Well I am struggling a little the moment and I just wanted to say:

Why is it always my fault?

ie, i'm not good enough, i don't work hard enough, i'm not a loving enough parent or a good enough wife etc etc...it always comes back to being some failure of mine.

Well i'm here to tell myself - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

It's just the way it is. The world is the way it is, i am the (imperfect) way i am and shit happens - sorry :-). The good news is I can stop struggling on the spot or looking back or wondering why and take action. I can always take action, whatever, whoever and whyever.

the kids

2008-05-06T17:27:00.000-07:00

Another frustrating morning getting off to school/kindy!

I have realised that I expect the kids to:

- always listen to me
- do what i say immediately
- do it properly
- do it quietly
- do it quickly
- be quiet
- be still
- be nice
- not argue
- have initiative
- think ahead....

ie behave like perfect adults....

hmmm....not even adults behave like perfect adults!!

I expect waaaaay too much obviously. I have just realised that my job as a parent is to teach them how to be reasonable people (they won't ever be perfect) and the reason God invented maternal/paternal love is so that we won't KILL THEM!!!

Parenting requires so much time and patience, and i need to stop making it hard for myself :-).

irritable!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-27T03:06:00.000-07:00

I am sooooo f-----g irritable today!

i don't know why...maybe i don't have to, maybe i never can know why

it seems so unreasonable...maybe nothing is unreasonable, if it's there it is REAL, it can't be helped, i didn't do it on purpose! The best thing to do is to try and fix it, relieve it

i don't know what to do about it

it makes me feel really guilty because i want to be a good mother and wife and person....so i guess deep down i think that if I'm irritable then I'm a bad mother/wife/person. Everyone has irritable times, but i feel like I'm more irritable than most, i feel irritable lots of the time. Maybe that is just me...My heart is certainly in the right place!! I suppose it's a function of my depression/anxiety and also of stress, so i have to manage these things to lessen my irritability.

How can i do this?

- take my pills
- eat/sleep/exercise properly
- manage my time
- not push myself too much
- be forgiving of me and others
- have plenty of down-time
- manage the clutter/housework....

wow - i feel better already!

Failure

2008-04-25T03:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sooo excited....i've discovered a wonderful website: www.firstourselves.com which is about self-care and combatting perfectionism. Every post so far I love, they have really struck chords within. I'm reading a post now called Affirmation of the week: Failure helps me succeed....and it has started me thinking.

I fail all the time....I fail at being perfect. I fail at reaching my enormously high expectations. The post talks about how we learn from failure, and I'm sitting here not feeling sure what I learn. Actually I'm not sure I need to think about what I can learn and how I could do better - I know it, my inner me is screaming it out at me all the time. I berate myself and feel guilty and just crappy. Also, I need to be wary of ruminating too much over things...thinking about something and dissecting it and turning it over for what I could learn from it and therefore do better is possibly a little self-destructive.

I know that I will 'fail' every day. I think that the best lesson I can learn is about acceptance, and moving on, and positivity. For example: today I probably ate a few more calories than my alotted few...so I sit here feeling guilty. But I went to the gym this morning, i didn't drink any alcohol, i went for a big walk, and I didn't eat as much as I could have. And yesterday I did really well too...all these wonderul positive things to think about!!

So yes, failure will happen, and I can probably learn from it, and it is all part of the process...but I'm not going to dwell on it, I'm going to dwell in the positive, and try to accept me, forgive me, and move on :-)

thoughts/feelings/actions

2008-04-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

Oh wow....have just had a little lightbulb moment...gosh i love the interweb!!!

Am just reading an article ( http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/644939/many_years_the_story_of_depression.html ) that sparked off a thought about what we feel, and that depression is about how we feel . It seems to tie in beautifully with my recent reading of Martin Seligman (famous non-Dr-Phil American Psychologist). We know that depression is feeling bad, sad, guilty, hopeless, helpless, tired etc etc...yuck. It's about how we feel. We know also that our thoughts influence greatly how we feel (you must all read Learned Optimism by Dr Seligman) and how we feel influences how we act, what we do. I think that the equation works in both directions, ie how we act influences how we feel, and how we feel influences what we think.

THOUGHTS <--> FEELINGS <--> ACTIONS

I have recently learned that no matter how i feel, if I act then i feel a lot better. And also, no matter how i feel, if I think more positively then i feel a lot better. I know that there are lots of people out there who hear the words 'think positive' and want to vomit....so I'm sorry! I'm not talking about pie-in-the-sky optimism...airy fairy stuff that is fantasy...I'm talking about evidence-based reality, like instead of: 'today has been such a crap day' try 'that was irritating when the kids went mental at the shops but the rest of the day was really nice'. I find that I sometimes weigh myself down with negativity...i make everything heavy and hard, but just trying to think differently makes things a lot lighter.

What is most important about all of this is bravery and courage. Acting when you are freaking out, thinking more positively when you are terrified. It's scary as hell, when all you want to do is hide....but it is truly amazing what you can actually get done when you try it, and it is truly amazing how much better you feel. We can have some measure of control over how we feel. And it's important to never give up, just keep swimming! I am reminded of one of my favourite quotes:

'Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow".' Mary Anne Radmacher.

Don't let the bastard get you down!!

2008-04-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

I've had a bit of a crappy anxious day today. I'm sure it's because i forgot my pills on the weekend....and i was cutting down a bit anyway. On top of having been reeeeeeeeally busy the last few weeks with my sister's wedding and my husband working overtime etc. Smart aren't I? :-)

But instead of completely freaking out and turning into a quivering mess like I really wanted to, I just kept going. I looked at all the things on my list and I did as much as i could. I went for a walk with the kids, I made cakes and icing, i did washing and i tried to stop the guilty voice from telling that I'm a crap mum for not being blissfully in love with the little darlings today, or for not having a tidier house.

And do you know what? I feel a bit better. And i now have a new motto: don't let the bastard get you down!! I know that action is the biggest thing to make me feel better, sitting around wallowing does not, so I will just keep going, how I feel will not stop me from living my life and doing the things I want to do. I will dwell in the positive, not the negative. I will not let the negative have any power.

Don't judge, don't think, just LIVE

2008-04-21T02:00:00.000-07:00

.....or shutup and get on with it as my Dad would say.

Enough said.

The 3 'Ps'

2008-04-20T23:29:00.001-07:00

I'm reading an exciting book at the moment, it's called "Learned Optimism" by Dr Martin Seligman, who is a Psychology Professor in Pennsylvania, and who is definitely not like Dr Phil!! It's pretty old, from 1991 I think....but it's wonderful! It has given me a bit of a lightbulb moment with regards to my self-talk.

Let me introduce you to the 3 Ps :-)

Dr Seligman talks about our 'explanatory style', ie the way we make sense of what happens to us. The way we do this can be pessimistic or optimistic....or of course a mix of both :-)

Do we think things that happen to us are

permanent? - going to last forever?

pervasive? - going to infect all areas of our lives?

personal? - all our fault?

Or are they

temporary?

confined to one particular area of our lives?

someone else's fault??? (yay! no, don't worry he does talk about responsibility too)

I've begun to think about how i talk to myself and what i say especially with regards to the 3 Ps....and it's not pretty! But it's sooooo effective to ask yourself:

-is this going to last forever?
- has this ruined my whole life?
- does this mean i'm a terrible person?

The answer so far has been NO!!!

I don't have to be a pessimistic catastrophiser anymore! Joy!

And all jokes aside I think with some practice i might make some progress.

a new mission....

2008-04-20T02:29:00.000-07:00

...to find things other than food or drink to make me happy.

We've had a lovely weekend...a really relaxing weekend in the country with the in-laws staying in a converted church that they plan to retire in. There was no TV, so lots of time to otherwise fill! Today we went to a National Park, and it was so peaceful, looking right up at those trees that had been there for so long. I have long battled with food and drink....and started to think about what else might make me "happy" besides those things, and why those other things might be better.

Food and drink seem so temporary....and so meaningless in the long term. Yes they are enjoyable - i challenge anyone to disagree with me! But i sense that they are about hiding, and escapism, and avoidance.

So these other things...will they last longer? What will they build? What brings more permanent happiness? What are the other things for me?

- solitude....oh blessed silence!
- music, playing my piano, teaching, listening
- lack of clutter
- my kids
- God...in His purest form, in those 'soul' moments
- reading

Why are these things better than pure physical pleasures?

I suppose food and drink bring extra calories...and they just are what they are...but maybe these other things are about relationship, with me and with others. And maybe they last longer because they feed my soul, they help my soul to grow.

I think that escapism is fine at times...everyone needs to escape. But i want to face my problems and solve them and take action and not just run away. And i want to grow and evolve as a person, i want to make the most of my time on this planet, and especially the most of my short time with my beautiful children who are growing up way too fast.

How exciting...to face the days to come thinking about how i can be happy and relaxed and how i can enjoy each moment!

i'm back

2008-04-17T15:23:00.001-07:00

For anyone who is interested!!!!

I've been reading lots of blogs....i love them...and i feel that i have a few cents to add too...well i hope i do! So i'm going to post on all the stuff that goes on inside my brain and what i've learned, about psychology, weight loss, infertility, ocd, anxiety, self acceptance, kids....and learning how to be JUST ME :-)

more positivity...

2007-03-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

Just read a blog on sparkpeople....it was very positive and talked about celebrating who we are, and finding and celebrating our successes....and it talked about the negative voice within....oh baby do i have a hard task master within!!! Was just sitting here lamenting a little bit about the last few days and how i haven't been tracking...Now i am going to think about all the positive things of the last few days. That's what my 1000 actions thingy is on sparkpeople too, documenting all the individual steps i have taken towards my goal. This isn't an airy fairy thing, ignoring the less than good, or using this as an excuse to carry on......i am more than aware of the 'bad'...but i need not to dwell on it, i need to forgive myself and move on, and find the 'good' and celebrate it.

1. didn't have anything at Mcdonalds yesterday
2. am feeling relaxed, and am looking after myself and not being too hard on myself
3. drinking from a smaller glass, and being a bit more aware of how much!
4. didn't have a donut at church yesterday....didn't even really care!
5. am enjoying myself, each day! this is my life!! i'm not wasting it by denying myself and looking forward to some magical day when i am thin and therefore my real life can start....
6. am learning to listen to both my voices...they are often in conflict....do it, vs don't do it!!! it's a bit tricky to know which to follow, but at least i am listening gently and trying to figure out the best way....
better go, kids running wild!!!

peace and calm

2007-02-28T17:12:00.001-08:00

have been meditating a bit lately...i love it!!!

Have been thinking about being calm....my mornings are often fraught with tension and mess and screaming fighting kids who don't listen to a word i say let alone actually get off their behinds to DO what i say!! So have been thinking about how to maintain my inner calm....

I realised that insteaed of waiting for calm to appear magically....when all the planets were aligned or something...ie when such and such happens then i'll be happy/calm/contented/have my life sorted/be perfect....i realised:

to have calm i must BE calm

to have peace i must BE peace

it is something i can DO....not wait passively for....but choose to do. It's like a meditation i did the other day at http://meditation.org.au/online.asp they were talking about the meaning of life...they said think about what gives your life meaning.....my kids, my husband, my health, my thoughts, music, god, my wider family, wine :-), my environment.....And so i realised that if i focused on these things...i am living a meaningful life. We are always waiting for things to happen to us, for real life to begin, for meaning, for happiness, to arrive at THAT place where we think we should be.......but we are there. Funny how if you turn it around and think about what brings meaning...it's there... So the same is for peace and calm, stop wishing for calm, BE calm. It's a verb. Like love.

the power of positive thinking....

2007-02-26T15:54:00.000-08:00

i can cope with the housework.....

really?

yes!

i can cope with the kids in a loving way......

really?

yes!

i can adopt a healthy lifestyle one thoughtful, loving step at a time.....

really?

yes!

Of course i can do all of these things...housework isn't brain surgery!! I just need to breathe, be positive, stop thinking about it and do it!! The kids aren't brain surgery either...they just require patience, understanding of what is normal for them and what is naughty, and quit with the expectations. They need to learn to listen, they aren't born knowing!! I need to employ damage control, not expect them to always listen and learn and watch what they are doing and be nice to each other and talk quietly!!!! I need to concentrate on what IS, not some high-falluting idea of perfection that I think they SHOULD be. They are noisy and chaotic, that is normal. The morning will be noisy and chaotic too. If clutter bothers me, then i should do something about it. I need to accept my life exactly as it is, right now, at this minute......it will probably be a little cluttered! But also if it's a priority for me then i should do something about it.

forgiveness/learning/guilt

2007-02-21T17:10:00.000-08:00

hello again! Am a bit happier today as have lost some weight.......but was really thinking last night, is it all worth it, ie is all the struggling worth being skinny? I can't maintain this lifestyle forever, which is what i would need to do to be skinny forever....i just don't think that it's realistic. But i guess it's only really been this year, and i've made progress this year already, mentally....if i don't try i'll never get anywhere.... and when i come up against issues then if i just throw my hands up and say it's too hard and give up then again i'll never get anywhere....but what if it is really really hard???? :-) well then just keep treading water...i've been the way i am for 32 years, it won't change overnight...and i suppose that the harder the issue is to deal with the more progress i will make, ie the more valuable it will be to work through it. But i also think i could stop being so goal oriented and try and enjoy the process a bit more....stop thinking when i get here or there everything will be fine.

I am battling at the moment with feeling deprived and then binging...ie overdoing it...with food/alcohol. That's not helpful...i don't want to undo all my good work.....but mentally it's not balanced or healthy either. A balanced healthy mind would have a bit of this and that and sort through my feelings and be assertive and look after my self and always do the right thing and never feel guilty....WOW!! another light bulb went on!! that sounds just like a PERFECT mind to me, not a normal human one!! I am always aiming for perfection, not to just be human!!! But i don't like being out of control, i don't like binging, i don't like being hungover, i don't like yelling at the kids, i don't like feeling angry and tense, i don't like feeling worried....if i have to accept this as my shadow or as part of being human.....i don't know if i can......because these traits bring me pain. Why are these things painful? because i am hurting myself by doing them because i know they're not rational ways of behaving and because i EXPECT better of myself and feel guilty...... maybe these could be some steps:

- realise when i am behaving in ways that i don't like
- accept that it has happened and don't feel guilty - i am normal
- forgive myself
- learn from it
- give myself time and be patient

Because if i carry on just the same i will cycle from trying to be perfect to blowing up to feeling guilty to trying to be perfect etc etc......if i can do damage control like walking away and taking deep breaths and not trying to figure out the rights and wrongs of a situation, just calm down, then that will be a very good start!!!

....continued

2007-02-20T12:56:00.000-08:00

thanks just jude!!xxx

so dad was saying all these nice things about me and so i started thinking yesterday, what if i don't need improving???? It's certainly easyt to say that we should all accept ouselves just the way we are...we all know that....but what if i really really don't need improving? Not just because i've already reached a certain level, not just because of what dad said, but because i'm human and not perfect, and that's ok???? God made me who i am, he made all of us to be imperfect, we really have to stop striving for oerfection, it's just not going to happen. I am so sick of struggling all the time to be different. It just mplies that I'm not good enough. eg I wish i was skinnier, i wish i didn't worry so much, i wish i could say no more, i wish i was a better mother, i wish i could be more assertive,....all of that implies that there is something wrong with me. I am so sick of thinking like that, I AM SICK OF IT!!!! I see all these people on sparkpeople strugling struggling struggling....how can we live like that? You can't, you can't keep that up for any length of time, nor does it make for an enjoyable life. What a bloody waste, to be spending all this time trying to be things we're not and judging ourselves so harshly along the way, calling ourselves names like fat lazy weak sick damaged hopeless stupid....and being ashamed of ourselves and keeping all of it secret beacause we're embarassed of ourselves and then pretending like everything's fine to everyone, because we think we're so different to everybody else and if they saw the real us they would be disgusted and run......

I was thinking yesterday with the mountain thing what i would have at the top of the mountain to inspire me to try and get to the top....i was even going to cut out images from a magazine, and then i couldn't find any so i thought that i would visualise....so i tried to imagine a skinnyme in a beautiful dress....but do you know what i justy couldn'y get really excited....it just wasn't grabbing me...i thought why do i really want to be skinny......just that....why? What will that bring me??? and it seemes so shallow, just in and of itself.......i realised that it doesn't matter what i eat or what i drink or what i look like, it matters how i feel. I am so sick of aiming to be something i'm not, ie skinny, which just implies that there is something wrong with me now.

this will have to be continued too, better get on with the day! xxx

some revelations!!

2007-02-19T19:38:00.000-08:00

Have been doing a lot of thinking lately.....

Yesterday was thinking about The Mountain.....i was imagining that my weight loss goals were at the top of a mountain and that i was headed towards them. I thought, to get to the top of the mountain i wouldn't rush, i would just take one bit at a time and have a rest...and get there at my own comfortable pace. I'd probably be a bit impatient though, that seems to be one of my characteristics. Then i realised that he mountain idea applied to the housework too.....one little bit at a time.

But today i've had some even better ideas!! My dad said some very complimentary things about me...he said that i was very intelligent and had very good pepole skills, and how much more could one human being do? Wow, what a big compliment. I guess i'm still after his approval!! to be continued.......